Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Not today, today.
Not today.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I need better friends
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.