“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
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If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
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