Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Sing it!
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I only treason on days ending in y
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.