Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!