Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
October already? What’s next? November????
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.