Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
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[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Facebook marketplace is a different world
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*