Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
You Might Also Like
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.