“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
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ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not