“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.