My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone