I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Bootstraps
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.