{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business