I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
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Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.