If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up