friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so