All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.