I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
i smell a pulitzer
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
This did not end as expected.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there