6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
You Might Also Like
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Investing in beetcoin
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.