if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’