[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”