Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂