Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
some things should go without saying
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”