my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.