The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
*offers Batman cough drops*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing