I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.