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I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I’d hang this in my house.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
LMAO
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*