All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
You Might Also Like
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.