How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant