Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man