joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over