When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.