how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
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13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
In space, no one can hear…
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself