“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Thursday Thought.
my first day as a raccoon
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper