Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”