I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
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*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.