for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
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[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.