Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.