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If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.