I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
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Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[montage of me giving-up]
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*