There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND