When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
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lost dog
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.