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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
PLOT TWIST:
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.