Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
You Might Also Like
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”