Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I put the p in pants.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.