why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
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Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
this is me
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I hope this email finds you in a well
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.