humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.