If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
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When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.