You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
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Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I came this close!!!!
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Perfect
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?