Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
You Might Also Like
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Maths meets science
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.