I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.